It's official. A bit ago, I decided to challenge myself again with the Chicago Triathlon. This time, I would go easy on myself, take on half of what I tackled before, and do the Sprint.
This time would be different, I thought back when I registered. I would be so much healthier this time. I have, on the whole, been feeling pretty well for awhile. There have been serious ups and downs, but I thought I had found the right blend for tackling my fibro symptoms.
I made plans to start training about two weeks ago.
However, about two weeks ago, I started to decline. I cannot pinpoint what is causing this decline in health, I only know that I have been in a fog for the past two and a half weeks. A constant flu-like state that has only lifted for a few days at a time and then comes back with a vengeance. Sometimes I sit on my couch and wonder how I will get up. I am making mistakes at work. My co-workers are noticing strange behavior when I'm in a fog, and I've made some excuses and said I'm trying to sort out some health problems right now. Sometimes I escape to the restroom and sit on the toilet and just close my eyes and try to rest out of view of my colleagues. Depression has been imminent, 3/4 because I am feeling so unwell and I wonder if there will ever be any end to this, and 1/4 because my emotions are just fried.
I'm on the hunt for a new doctor, one that can perhaps help me find some new answers. It is hard to explain to my friends and loved-ones how I feel. Because they have heard it all before. They've heard it for years. I still wonder if they believe me. If they think it's in my head. If they understand how I'm feeling. All I can do is charge onward.
I forced myself to get in the pool yesterday. I didn't know how I would. I am honestly surprised I was able to get out of my house and to the gym.
I have not swam in almost two years.
The first dip in feels like a familiar coolness, a rush of friend and enemy all at once. I somehow manage to swim for 15 minutes. I have done a 1/4 mile. I am encouraged. I sit in the hot-tub. I let the water bubble over my joints and fatigued body.
I hope for strength. For a lift from this flu-like trance.
I will keep moving forward. I have come too far to only come this far.
