Fear.

And then there is that lonely, fearful moment, the one where you've been sneezing for the past three days and now your throat starts tickling, and you are all out of your magical green powder and the dumb UPS truck didn't deliver it even though you signed the back of the paper dammit, and you are afraid you are not only about to get sick, but also trigger a flare--because as you realized in May and June, getting sick and even fighting off being sick triggers flares.

Because you HAVE had nerve pain for the past two weeks in varying degrees.

And because you HAVE been tired.

Because your symptoms have been better, but the truth is, they are still there. Because there is still fog, there is still tenderness, there is still pain, and there is still exhaustion. Because you still know your limitations and at the end of the day, those limitations must be respected so dearly.

Because you wanted to swim a mile tonight but thought against it--because to swim that far right now would possibly trigger a flare by overexerting when you are already fighting off a bug.

Because it is soon your moon and your body's cycle can cause a flare because you sleep poorly during those nights and less sleep can make your symptoms worse.

Because there are a precious few days left to mentally prepare. And you are excited and scared and nervous and afraid that this is actually happening.

Because you're afraid you'll break your knee off if you DO decide to actually run and withstand the pain, now knowing you won't cause damage.

Because you are afraid you'll trigger a flare RIGHT before the race.

Because you're afraid you will trigger a horrible flare right AFTER the race.

Because you have never ever done this much activity all at once, and even now, you have never put all of the components together, and you really don't know what that kind of exertion will do to your body and energy supply. This concern exists for a healthy person who has been training, but for someone fighting fibromyalgia, the risk in destroying your body for the next few days to weeks to months is at the forefront of your mind.

Because it is not just about the endurance and muscle and speed you have gained through training, it is also about this syndrome that ultimately calls the shots.

Because you also have TWO AUDITIONS the evening of the triathlon and you might be physical and mental goo by the time you actually read for the directors.

How is that for dedication to your craft.

Sending good energy. Breathing in energy.

Zinc. Sleep. De-stress. No flares. Zen.