A Hair Dryer and my Floor

I'd love to say I was a warrior this weekend and I at least went on a run or something.

But I've got nothing. A few long walks to keep the muscles moving. I was so overcome with fatigue. This felt different than regular fibro symptoms, this definitely felt like I was fighting off a bug. For one thing, my glands were extremely swollen. And that one lymph node on the side of my neck that has given me trouble since I was a kid has been tender and sore to the touch for about 5 days now---always a sign my lymphatic system is doing some extra fighting on the inside. I'm convinced now that this exacerbates all the fibro symptoms and it would explain a lot of the trouble I've had this week. But the most frustrating thing is that the thermometer reflects NO illness, no fever, no temperature. No, in fact it mocks me with a body temperature that is UNDER normal. I took it a few times. 98.4, 97.8, 96.4.

96.4?

Well, they do say women have slightly colder body temperatures. Maybe this explains the chill I've had this weekend? Or maybe I really am sick and that thermometer is fucking busted. Fucking thermometer.

I wanted to swim yesterday but it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed. I finally managed to hop in the shower and when I blew out my hair I ended up sitting on my bedroom floor with the dryer. As I turned the dryer off, hair only half dry, I layed down on my floor...simply overcome. I layed down for about 15 minutes, and when I decided to try to get up, it felt like I was summoning all the strength I had just to hold myself up. This realization that I could barely lift myself off the floor overwhelmed me. And I started to cry. How could I possibly train for the triathlon when I could not even lift myself off the floor...In that moment of extreme physical weakness, my whole heart and soul felt weak again. Sadness for my family, sadness for lost love, just...sadness.

I somehow picked myself up finally and started moving, I got myself out the door and spent the rest of the day doing errands, played the ukulele at night. Today was a bit better, forced myself up and out the door to meet my friend for brunch, followed by the Nature Museum and a walk through North Pond, and then to a Memorial Day BBQ. I wish I had more energy, I wish I could stay at the party longer, I wish I didn't have to explain why I'm leaving early to my friends, but the truth is, I am just exhausted.

The truth is, I feel like I've been experiencing recurring flares since February.

The truth is, I just want to feel healthy and right now I do not feel healthy. This is probably the unhealthiest that I have felt in so very long. This is probably the longest stretch of months that I have felt a general unwellness of varying severity almost every single day. I just want to feel that I can at least start the initial training period which I am now VERY scared about starting.

I guess all I can do is hope that these past few days have been so difficult because I really am fighting off a virus.

Tomorrow I will feel stronger.